You know one really great thing this program has done for me that I never expected? It's made me really take a hard look at how critical I can be of myself. I never really realized it before, but almost every email I get back from you guys says: "don't be so hard on yourself". It's actually giving me a bit of a complex--in a good way!
I really appreciate you all pointing out when I'm being hard on myself for no good reason. My whole life, I've always been a very hard worker and have busted my butt to get where I am now. Unfortunately (and I talked briefly about this at Phat Camp
http://www.getphatwithjen.com/ ), I worked in a job for 8 years. It was a workplace dominated by red-necked, ignorant males, who were happy to work with females as long as they weren't in a position to make decisions or out-shine them. I always thought my personality could get past that and I tried to be nice to everyone and treat them with respect. I ended up being in charge of managing the whole program for the Yukon, all my performance reviews were above average, and I even got an employee of the year award. I thought I was resistant to the criticism and harsh comments I faced on a day-to-day basis, but over time, they wore me down. I look back now, and I am amazed at some of the things they said to me and the mind games they played to get me to do what they wanted. I ended up approaching my boss, under the direction of our harassment policy, and informed him that I thought he was bullying me and berating me in front of my colleagues. This backfired and he started, in my opinion, building a case to get me fired. He reprimanded me for being hard to work with and having a chip on my shoulder. Human resources and my direct supervisor both gave me no support and started working with my boss to give me a training plan because: "All my problems would go away as soon as I improved myself". It was a horrible situation, and I couldn't understand why when I worked so hard, why things were going so bad. Phat Camp gave me the motivation to quit my job and begin the healing process.
My confidence in myself was damaged from the whole situation. It's been tough in the last year, not having a secure permanent job like I had for so long, trying to finish my thesis, and taking my health serious again. But, my thesis is almost done (I hope), I'm finding work and building relationships at government (and I know they respect me and my work ethic), and I have a great team of GPO trainers helping me get to my healthy self. I will get there, but healing takes time. I know I'm hard on myself. I need to learn to stop berating myself (because why should I treat myself the same way my previous employer did?), and transform that energy to motivating myself to be successful!
I feel great. I'm so happy I left my job. I have a wonderful and supportive fiancé. And I already in 9 weeks, feel much healthier (and more confident too). So thanks all!
You have a Picture Mail from lishiadean@pm.sprint.com
